Early Spring
Clean
I have had the fun experience over
the past three weeks of coaching a well known journalist so she can write a
feature article about life coaching for a new magazine to be launched in the
spring.
One of the goals she wanted to
achieve was how to stop her two boys aged seven and nine years from constantly
fighting and her shouting in response. We have decided that the plan of action
is to organise a family meeting where this point and other issues can be
discussed. Another thing that is bothering her is that her children have
slipped with their basic manners like saying please and thank you. They have a
tendency to treat her like the maid and leave wet bath towels and worn clothes
all over the floor. She has now put together a short list of what she sees as
fair for both children and husband (who is also quite tardy in the clothes
dropping on the floor department). The key to this is in the follow through by
way of "implications" if the rules get broken. For example, her
children are avid Simpsons fans, so rule breaking may incur a loss of seeing
the programme one night. There will be a warning before carrying through the
threat, but the goal is they help out more and recognise when to stop fighting
rather than it ending in tears. While all boys fight, it is about giving them
responsibility to stop before one of them gets hurt.
By changing your state you are
also breaking the habit. If you react the same way to each situation, it is
difficult to break the pattern. Therefore, one of her tasks this week is not to
shout but to use the rules and implications to get the message across.
By creating clear boundaries of
what is acceptable will make for a calmer and more relaxed home life. We also
ascertained that her children were merely boisterous as they were confined to
the house during winter, whereas in summer there is the opportunity to burn off
energy outside. Next on her agenda will be to find a winter sports activity
they can both do one night a week after school, with her possibly buddying up
with another Mum with children in order to take some of the pressure off the
picking up/dropping off.
I find too many people "put
up" with things and we have a host of sayings to keep us stuck. Comments
like "count your blessings" and never mind, "tomorrow is another
day" are well meaning and true, but could it also be that we don't deal
once and for all with what we are tolerating? We all know there are things we
cannot change in our lives, the fixed timetables like dropping children to
school by a certain time - but there are many things that we can address. What
are you currently putting up with in your household, relationships with friends
and family and even with yourself?
My journalist client mentioned
early on that she was tolerating a hole in her stair carpet which needed to be
replaced, but she just hadn't got around to sorting it out. The trouble with
these niggling tolerations is that part of our time and energy is attached to
it, so in her case, every time she goes up and down the stairs, her thoughts
are dragged back continually to thinking she must get on and order a
replacement, which I am happy to add, she has now done.
So now that spring is not far
away, how about getting ahead of yourself and having an early spring clean?
What's the state of your garage, spare room or wardrobe? Do you need to get
that tradesman in to do all the little jobs around the house? Wouldn't you
rather be thinking about planning a wonderful holiday or organising a get
together with a friend you haven't seen in ages? We only have time and energy,
how do you want to spend it?
Exercise
Write down 10 things you are
tolerating in your life that you can change. Aim to tackle one a week for the
next 10 weeks.
Copyright © Julie Lambert
January 2005 . Published Henley Standard newspaper, January 28th, 2005
For information on Julie's 3
month coaching course email info@julielambert.net |
