What do we really need?
We all have needs. The question
is, are we getting our needs met - or more to the point, are we getting our
needs met in a "healthy way". Confused. Let me explain. Someone I
heard about recently, a lady in her 60's had been brought up in an orphanage;
having been abandoned by her parents who used to visit her from time to time.
The effect it had on her was to please everyone, to never say no for fear of
abandonment. So she was using an outdated mode of dealing with life based on a
childhood expectation.
The reason why psychologists go
back to our childhood is because this is where the automatic de-fault system
begins. We learn to do something in a particular way, because our role models,
(usually parents) do it like this, so it is familiar. So this becomes the way
we automatically operate, unless we consciously step back and realise what we
are doing. Young children have a need to be heard, and if this need is not
being met, they will make a lot of noise. If no one pays attention, they will
get louder and more demonstrative. This is the way they get their need
met.
A client of mine had a need to
talk and was frustrated that her husband was not interested in listening to
everything she had to say. In recognising that one of his needs was a need for
"silence", she could learn to honour his needs, by giving him quiet
time. In fact, she realised that speaking to a couple of very close girlfriends
fulfilled the need she had to speak, thus taking the pressure off her husband.
She also realised she didn't actually need to tell her husband all the details
of her daily life. Her marriage improved, her husband began to do all the jobs
around the house she had been nagging him to do - and he began to talk more.
Sometime the most obvious things in looking at our attitudes and behaviour can
make the world of difference to our lives.
Some of the needs my clients have
outlined to me have included a need to be appreciated, be honest, be busy, be
embraced, be regarded well, be included, be cherished, be preferred, be awake,
be heard and so on.
With Henley Regatta on again, I am
reminded of an old movie based on sporting achievement. A true story, a world
famous American runner had a childhood problem of bedwetting. His mother
insisted on showing the neighbourhood by hanging his sheets outside every day
to try and embarrass him hoping it would solve his problem. He was so
determined that the other children wouldn't find out his secret he ran as fast
as he could in order to take the sheets inside. Years later, he said he had to
thank his mother for his success.
What are your needs? Are they
being met in a healthy or unhealthy way? Take a piece of paper and write down
10 observations about you. Do you have a need to be everybody's friend, be the
one that does everything for everyone else even if you have better things to
do? Do you have a need to fulfil a dream or goal? Is this your goal or does it
belong to someone else who expects you to do this? So many people who trained
in professions based on family expectations often transfer in mid-life to
careers that give them fulfilment. Do you know someone like this? The city
trader who became the garden designer? Are your current needs your own? How
many of your needs are internal? A need for balance and stillness are needs we
can fulfil ourselves with awareness and insight. Do you look to others to
fulfil your needs? We all have needs, but the key is to make sure they are
being met in a healthy way.
Copyright © Julie Lambert
July 2004 Published Henley Standard newspaper, November 5th, 2004
For information on Julie's 3
month coaching course email info@julielambert.net
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